laughing my ass off!

I am in seriuous need of a makeover and am considering the first cut. The next 3 are too fucking funny though!

This Thing Kicks Ass

Love this new washer, between that and getting the carpet cleaned today my house might just start to resemble something clean. Here? damn I like it. My mother will be stunned when she comes to visit. I have always been a kind of messy. Really it's clutter, no filth. All comes from having my brothers walk through my room as a kid I think. If it's a total mess I didn't mind and they stayed out. Anyway, this machine kicks ass, has a santize setting that heats the water to kill germs. Great for the towels that were still dirty from the other one crapping out. It uses so little water, and so quiet compared to the other one. Just hope it last awhile. Things just aren't made to last any more.


And now for something completely different. Click on the link if you dare, hilarious,( not for children or the religious.)

http://www.divine-interventions.com/baby.php

look for the jackhammer jesus....holy shit.

So Sad

Yep, the washer died so I had to buy this: oh waaahhh..

The Good , The Bad, and the Broken

Another strange weekend. At least this one didn't end with someone hospitalized. Got started on the playhouse Dave is building for the girls. Foundation level and post holes dugs. Thats about as far as he got. He and Emily wnet over to Menards or somewhere for parts and he comes home with this: ( the good) He called from the store didn't just show up with it. His buddy Tom got in in his head that we need this. Well it's very cool, and we decided it would be an anniversary present to each other. Well thats fine but I guess I need to read up on cooking on a grill because supper sucked, Ribs were dry and tough, veggies weren't done completely(the bad) . Thats not going to be our only big exspense I guess cause a few hours after we bought this the damn washer died(the broken obviously). So today on top of taking Sarah to the college and back, getting ready for the carpet to be cleaned tomorrow and maybe taking Alison to the doctor(I'm still debating-she has cold symptoms but no fever) , we gotta go buy a new washer.

My 2 Cents on the Olympics

I don't give a rats ass about the Olympics. I not big on sports to begin with. The whole China thing turns my stomach, but I can't get my panties in a bunch too much about it since I have yet to cease buying anything made in China...still nauseating though. However, I have watched a little of it. I do live with a man , it's a little hard to avoid. The gymnastics are cool and it was fun to watch that little Sean girl get her gold. Saw a piece on her on the local news and her family seems nice too. Something about her reminds me of Emily so I was watching and cheering for her.



The highlight of the Olympics to me was seeing Mark Spitz. I have never been a fan but damn when they interviewed him it was hard to focus on the conversation in the room at the time.( Sorry honey I'm getting all wet over the guy on the TV).... It's not fair that men get better looking as they age. And he was pretty hot 25 years ago. Check him out: Unfortunately he's probably an idiot( and gay) if he's smiling that big standing next to father whats his face. (Forgive me father for I have sinned and mount me in the pool will ya?) He may be some famous preist for all I know, not up on that. Looks like a pediphile to me. Anyway I still think he's a good looking man, and definately the highlight of sitting through all the crap. Olympic volleyball? come on...and ping pong! Yeah right. DAMN I could've been a contender... And my last comment. I think when it's all over comments from the participants ,once they're home , will far more interesting then any of the sports dribble...My theory which is mine.

Not My Day

Saturday, should be the day I can sleep in , let Dave get the girls and have a relaxing moring but noooo, he's off helping a friend dry wall a ceiling and I have to jump up and get busy. Sarah forgot about getting her books, classes start Monday. The bookstore is only open in the a.m so I have to get both girls ready and drive over there. Shit Alison is awake now. I was going to wait 20 minutes until I wake her up.



Much to do around here. Carpet is to be cleaned Tuesday and I gotta empty this room. No small task let me tell you.



On a completely different subject I finally have a plan for the kitchen. I really like this island and am going to try and do something like it. It will be slightly bigger and where the fruit bowl is I will have a cut out for a range. Where the frig etc. is, in my house is just windows, and where their range and cooktop is my frig and sink are on that wall. My hutch is black and I can do without the green, I do like the red chairs though. So guess you have to use your imagination, especially if you've never seen my kitchen. This will end up a similiar layout and overall impression and I really want to do that way. I like the openness of this room. Right now I hate my kitchen , this could work. Would mean elliminating the tables and chairs. The table I have is round and folds down , many time when you least expect it. It desperately needs to be refinished too so I don't mind not having it. I hate the chairs that go with it and they're in rough shape too. Eventually if we can ever afford to add a sunroom like we want to I'll refinish the table and buy new comfy chairs and we'll put it out there. Or the girls can sell it when I'm dead and gone, whichever comes first....

Update: Got even stranger around here. Emily was crying because her ear hurt so bad so had to take her to the doctor. Before we leave I I get a call about one of the cars Dave sold being picked up. So I call him, he calls the buyer, buyer never heard of this person, back and forth, then some bitch from some hauling company calls chewing me out, why hasn't this car been released? I would've hit her if I could've. What the fuck is going on? Back and forth on the phone to Dave but I had to leave for Emily's appointment. So I leave sarah with instructions to not let anyone take that car even is she has to call the police. Then I get back Sarah, Emily does indeed have a ear infection. The doc asked her is she had taken any medicine for it. She looks at her like what an idiot and says "not yet" Like why the fuck do you think we're here asshole. Amused me. Anyway. Dave starts cleaning the floor in Emily's room , huh? Sarah is cleaning. Then dave tells me he's been thinking and has kind of a crazy idea....He suggests maybe we start building a new house and then tear this one down when we're done. Serious. Um no. For a thousand reasons no. Then Sarah says would I be willing to drive her to the movies. We already discussed this. I told her school starts Monday , she has been running around all week, was in the hospital last weekend, I want her to stay home this weekend. She starts getting ready to leave anyway. I told her no she's not going anywhere. She walks out anyway with me telling her to say goodbye to her new camera if she goes out the door. Then Alsion wakes from a nap after 20 minutes all stuffed up. Sick too? Don't know yet. I think Dave said something to Emily about pizza hours ago but we haven't discussed it. Strange fucking day and it's only 1/2 over. I would be drinking but chances are I'll have to go out and get sarah somewhere. Or at least cigarettes. She can damn well walk but one never knows if they're going to be called out to the fucking ER or something arghhhhhh

Sometimes Laughing Is The Only Way to Open Your Mouth Without Screaming

Quote from the character Hawkeye on M#A#S#H.

I have a sick sense of humor, always have. I love Monty Python, South Park . I think it's funny. It doesn't mean I am actually amsued by the tragic suffering in the world. Everybody hardens themselves to a point so they can cope with it all. If you sit down and start thinking about all the problems in the world it could get overwhelming fast. People have to have an outlet.

For some it's church and prayer. Well I choose not to use an imaginary deity that is the justification for much of the horror. Instead I laugh .

I recently made a comment on someone else's blog trying to explain my point of veiw on sick humor. Probably didn't come off as tactful as I wanted to. She is a very nice person and I was trying to make her feel better. Doubt if it worked .

Take starvation. It's absolutely inexuseable that in this day and age there are hungry starving people in the world,esspecially in this country. It is out of my control. I can give from my pantry, checkbook and my time but it doesn't change anything. It's a drop in the bucket because across the globe $ goes for business instead of people. Instead of obsessing , crying for them , wrecking my mental health , I make jokes. "How many Etheopians can you fit in a phone booth? Answer " All of them! It's funny. That doesn't mean the suffering and pain of some poor soul because they have nothing to eat is actually an amusing thing.

This isn't a new thing, there's an old joke " other than that Mrs. Lincoln how did you like the play?" Outrageous in those times, and yep funny. Was it a funny thing that the president was gunned down when out enjoying a little theater, no, but the joke is funny. People need to lighten up. There are some things in the world that you can't control and as Hawkeye said , laughing is a way to open your mouth without screaming. Laughing is good for you.

So after a year of blogging, reading about memes and challenges ...I have a challenge for any reading this: In the comments leave the sickest joke you know.

Breathing Easier

I'm finally relaxing a bit. Today we have to stay home and concentrate on things around here. The furnace guy is coming for the annual maintainence between 8:00-5:00, don't you just love that! So we're staying home and getting things done. It's ok though I'm prepared. I went to the store last night and bought brownies, cigarettes and a pepsi ,so no emergency should come up. I know I know, but I've had a hard week and I'm going to indulge a little bit.

I have one week until the carpet cleaning is done so much to do around in addition to homeschooling. Will be good though. The deep cleaning will be done a few weeks before my mom comes to visit and then I can just putter around and work on little stuff that has been put off.

Emily just woke up and came in here crying, " why did you eat the last muffin?" I didn't Sarah did, but now I have had to promise to make more. Guess we'll do fractions with cooking for math today. We bought the whole big Saxon math kit so today she gets to get it all out and just play with the stuff. I haven't let her yet. Just got out what went with her lesson but she wants to see it all. Will have to wait until Alison naps though or it will be a fight and a mess.

Just a morning ramble with nothing too interesting today Welcome change really. Just waking myself up really. Better get busy...........

And Now For Something Completely Different

Before all the drama with Sarah we had a full weeekend. Dave jumped up and took one of the wreckage cars to junkyard. He had it loaded on a flatbed trailer, and when they picked it up the roof broke off and it came crashing back down. Broke the wench, dented the fender and scared the dirt out of Dave.


Once home from that we went to the Threshing Show up in Nowthen. The girls had fun seeing the little petting zoo,old general store and riding the little train. I was too hot, the flea market sucked this year and I was glad to get home.

I've also been working on this mess of a house. This cabinet was full of dishes. Now that I have my hutch and was able to empty it, I'm using this to organise some of the homeschool stuff. I still have to do the the bookcase but at least this is a start. Big time saver. So much of the morning has been finding what I need.

Sunday morning Dave had someone come and look at a car to buy, they said they wanted it but would have to make payments. Then someone else offered $200 more and money right now. What can you do?

After they left Dave went to pick up the 1/2 a cow we bought. Damn do we have meat now. I'm dissapointed though because 2/3 of it is hamburger, no chuck cuts , and a bunch of liver. Ick.


After that a friend came over and I was kind of counseling him about his marriage following apart. Then I dropped Sarah and her friends at the campground. Home to make a steak dinner to try out the meat. Laundry, cleaning, baths etc. A full weekend and I was beat when I layed down to sleep Sunday night. That lasted an hour. Soo today I'm tired. Emily woke up crying that her tummy hurt this morning. I think it's more needing my attention and worrying about Sarah and all that was going on then tummy problems. So I need to get off here , get her busy with something fun and her school work.


As Gilda Radner said "it's always something"

Terrifying, longest short walk of my life

I hope to hell I never have another night like this. About 12:30 am I get a call saying that Sarah has been taken to the hospital. She went camping with friends and drank heavily. Other campers complained about the noise and when the rangers came they found Sarah unconscious. They called 911 and friends called me.

I get to the ER and say who's mother I was at the window. The woman called back and instead of aying Sarah Robinson's mother is here , she says in a weird voice "her mother is here" , then I go in and ask the first person I come to , is she alright. She wouldn't answer and tells me the doctor will talk to me and directs me down the hall. I have never been so scared in my life, after those responses I thought she was dead. I even said out loud to myself, this isn't good. Walking down that hall was the longest walk of my life. But luckily, thankfully, huge relief she was alive , but out cold , on a ventilator. It was shocking to see her like that but not the ordeal you'd think because I was just so relieved she was alive the rest of it wasn't so bad.

She was completely unaware , didn't know she had even left the camp site.I stayed with her about 3 hours , answering questions until she was transfered to ICU. They told me they were going to keep her sedated until morning so I went home about 3:00 to try and sleep a little. Didn't work but at least I rested a bit. When answering questions , one nurse asked me if she was being abused. They ask all women I guess if they're hospitalised now days I guess. I said, not until tomorrow. She laughed pretty hard and we talked about how this was a valueable lesson. The nurse even suggested a picture to show her would be good since she would likely not remember any of it. Brilliant idea. So when I came back to the hospital at dawn I took brought the camera. Now i have this gruesome shot to show here periodically to remind her how lucky she is to be alive, what she put me through and she better make some mature choices from now on because the alternatice could be fatal.

She's home now. We had a difficult 1/2 hour or so this morning when she had come to enough to be aware of the ventilator, but not conscious enough to have it taken it out. She fought and cried and had to be restrained, it was hell to watch her go through it. She doesn't remember at all but I have a vivid picture in my mind and now she will too. What a fucking ordeal. Once the ventilator was out she was back to herself about an hour later, and they let her come home a couple hours after that. She is very remorseful, sore and tired. Hopefully she learned her lesson. Always the hard way it seems. Will have a citation fine to pay so that will keep it fresh in her mind awhile. Hope to hell I never have another night like that...

I Don't Fucking Think SO

Here's the article above blown up so you can actually read it. See this is what I mean when I on occassion have to put my husband in his place and tell him to knock off the fucking 50's mentality. Hard to believe people really took this stuff seriously........
my comments in red

The Good Wife's Guide
From Housekeeping Monthly, 13 May, 1955.

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. Tell him it's his turn to cook and it better be good,and clean up after for God's sake.This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed. Like I'm not hungry after a day of kids,errands, homeschooling, etc...
Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Just keep in mind he's off work now, a break from work also means a break from hygiene,just because he isn't going to shower for 4 days doesn't mean you can't.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Having lesbian sex on the couch when he walks in should do the trick, yeah I know they don't mean that gay, still would be funny, hi honey is it 5:00 already?
Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.In my house darling hubby would have to be gone a year for me to have time to clear all this clutter. Run a dustcloth over the tables.
During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Maybe I could set fire to all the junk in the yard since we have no fireplaceYour husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. I prefer to be satisfied by having his face ........well as Monty Python puts its..."sit on my face and tell me that you love me...."
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. Yeah right
Be happy to see him. Yes until the testosterone kicks in and you want to smack him
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours. They certainly think that, don't even hear what you have to say unless the word Nascar is in the sentence 1/2 the time.
Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work. He can eat his dinner cold is he's too inconsiderate to sit down and eat the meal you fixed.
Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. If this was a current article it would probably recommend having the remote handy since he'll have a mental breakdown unless it's in his hand.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. How bout take your shoes off before you walk on my clean carpet! Think male!
Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment(poor as it is) or integrity. Remember, he is the master(bater) of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. This one just makes you want to hurt someone, master of the house my ass, no right! Fuck that shit. I have every right.
A good wife always knows her place. And her place is at a good attorneys office filing divorce papers to take everything penny he has if he tries to pull this crap.

Ok I feel better now. I went to snopes on this and its says undetermined. Doesn't really matter if this was an actually published article or not, this was the mentality then , and it cases where it still lingers it needs to be bitch slapped out of people. (thanks for the article Jody)

Damn Do I Love A Good Yardsale!

So I'm driving to the grocery store and see a sign "Homeschool Garage Sale" Slam on the brakes, whoo Nelly, why didn't I know about this early damn damn. But I found it and wow some good stuff. Lots of it was stuff a bag for $5. Check out my loot for $25. The Human brain science kit - I found a used one on Amazon for $25, what I paid for all this stuff and that doesn't include shipping. I also got Uno Stacko ,2 puzzellations puzzles (tricky cool ones if you've never seen them) 10 Boxcar Children books, 10 other good books, Little House on the Prairie curriculm, A kids Learn America book, math flashcards, writing practice stockcards, Monopoly Junior, some misc. toys. What a deal!

The Dead Zoo

Our homeschool group had a trip today to Como Zoo but we didn't go. I'm a traffic weanie and going that far just isn't something I want to do. It was a beautiful day though and so I decided to take the girls to the dead zoo instead, actually it's the Eastman Nature Center. Since most of the animals there are real dead stuffed animals that's what I call it. There were live turtles, frogs, snakes and catepillars though. They also had a very cool glass bee hive. So neat to watch them in the hive and then go out their little tunnel to the outside.

Very cool place, everything is hands on, kid friendly and fun, and the best part, free and close to home. I don't know why we've never checked it out before but will definately go back. Next month they're having a puppet show pajama party. Puppet show including a live owl. Alison just loves owls for some reason. She says "ooooowwwwwwwlllllllllll", not just owl. Anyway, they'll get a prize if they wear their jammies, have milk and cookies and see a show. Anyway anyway, the girls had so much fun dressing up in animal costumes, checking out all the displays, discovering hidden natural articfacts in drawers and cubbies. ..
After the nature Center we went over to the playground. Damn that place is huge and they had a great time.
Apparently blogger is having trouble because I can't get any pictures uploaded damn it.......finally....

Back to Work

Emily wanted to learn about bugs, so we started our first unit of the year on that. Off to a slow start but that's ok. The main thing I want to accomplish with her this week is getting into the routine of school work every day. I don't use a set curriculum,at least for most subjects. I do use Saxon Math since I suck at math and don't want to rely on my skills alone to teach her what she needs to know. I combine other subjects into a unit when it seems to work depending on what we do. She is also learing about pioneer days or old fashion times as she calls it. We're still reading On the Banks of Plum Creek- Laura Ingalls. There is a chapter in there about a grasshopper infestation so that goes along with the insect. So her weeks work was this: ( boring I guess to readers but this is suppose to be my log of homeschooling not just bitching so guess i should mention it from time to time) So 2 days back to homeschooling after a summer break we did the following:



photograph and identify backyard insects.

(Hard to see but there's a dragonfly in that last picture)

read together the pile of librbary books, 1/2 on insects, 1/2 early readers

listening -Laura Ingalls book

visited the website http://www.musicofnature.com/ cool site that has the sounds bug makes

Saxon Math first 3 lessons which are completely review and she's getting bored with already, may need to skip ahead a little. She is doing simple addition and subtaction so these lessons are redundant for her. Speaking of which the counting cubes in the kit are hard to snap together frustrating since I paid big bucks for this stuff...

Alphabet tracing. She knows all her letters and the phonetic sounds, is reading a bit but her handwriting is pretty poor so we're doing these again. Next week she wants to write letters so that will give her practice without the stupid tracing.

She enjoys printouts so we did a couple of those. I really like http://www.enchantedlearning.com/ and pay the $20 a year they charge. So much on there it's worth it to me.

She had a great time creating her own bugs. Didn't try to make them realistic, just that each had a head, thorax, abdomen and antenna.

We also watched Ant Wars and Ants! Natures Secret Power on the Science Channel. I know a lot of people hate TV, maybe not hate it but think it's not a good thing for kids. I love it, and think it's just fine if you're selective about what they watch. I do limit the cartoony stuff but there's a lot of good stuff on and of course dvds. Alison loves the Brainy Baby calls it "hmmm" Comes from googling images with me, she sits on my lap when we searching "hmm" she says. Anyway, there's some kickass shows on the more educational channels and I think they're great to add to what they're learning. No I don't think that's enough or that they should sit and view TV all day , but not taking advantage of it is silly. So much cool stuff on. These were great shows, not intended for kids though so I had to pause it periodically and explain what they were saying. She was fascinated though and wants Daddy to watch it.

One of her books is about bees so we learned about them and made peanut butter and honey sandwiches.

I guess that isn't really a slow start considering this was only 2 days work. We didn't actually start until Wednesday. Hopefully she learned something.

Idiots

My brother Chris died last year and my Mom and oldest brother are anxiously waiting for his estate to be settled. I say estate because that's what they call it regardless of how little you have. He had no assetts really. A car that is going to his friend Tom who helped him out so much through his illness(lung cancer). But, we've all been named in the will and waiting for it to be settled. It's been almost a year and we're wondering what the hell is the hold up, he had nothing. I imagine he left me the saxaphone we shared as kids/and or Peter Gabriel and talking Head Cds/ He really had nothing. So yesterday I find out what the hold up is. Me! I guess the attorney sent me a letter and it came back to them undeliverable. What the Fuck! it was months ago the letter went out supposedly. Why did they wait so long to try and contact me? Stupids idiots. Hopefully now we can move on with this and it will be over and done with. I hate people.........

Today's Harvest

Our garden is cool but we (me) did a shitty job weeding and we've lost a lot. I just don't have time to get out there and do it. Next year we need to mulch frequently and keep the weeds from taking over. We still have lots of corn which is tassling and the tomatos are doing great, brussel sprouts are fine. Squash is vanishing, beets and peppers are pretty much gone. Sucks. But today's tomatos are great!

A co -worker of Dave's gave him 2 HUGE zucchinis so I've been cooking for a change. I made some kick ass zucchini bread which was gobbled up quickly. Last night I made aup a recipe. Simple for most people I guess but not my strong suit. I sautated sweet onions with fresh basil from my patio garden and garlic powder, then added zucchini, let that cook , once ready I added fresh tomatos , just long enough to warm them, not cook them and finely chopped white chedder cheese curds. Damn was that good. May make it again tonoght since I have all these. Or maybe spaghetti..hmmmm

Too Funny

I was laying on the couch and hear Emily yelling help ,help ! This is how I found her:

Thanks Lori!

A friend from our homeschool group sent this to me from one of our playdates. I have few pictures of me, and most of them I hate. This one isn't too bad so glad to have it. Such thoughtful women in this group. I really did luck up when I happened upon it. I'm not much of a joiner, mainly because I'm a critical bitch and most people irriate the shit out of me. This group has been different. All the Moms have been great and Emily loves the kids, what more could you want. Actually with all that has been going on this summer we haven't seen them as much as I would've liked to. Hopefully fall will be different. I'm hoping to host something but can't schedule anything until the rest of this home repair crappola is scheduled. Doesn't have to be done just a time set up.

Off to a Good Start

Hit some yardsales yesterday and I got some great homeschooling stuff. One sale had a box of misc. for $2. In it was quite a few we can use this year for Emily. There's a neat thing with pages of cling on letters and then you flip it open and a big cling board to make words. Doubles of all the letters so spelling something is actually possible. Several workbooks, some that originally went with this set, and a couple extra. All like new. Dave has the camera so can't take a picture.

Also some things we don't need but look like Emily's stuff so can go in Alison's bin. I'm creating a "homeschool" bin for her. Just stuff she doesn't usually see that she can play with while Emily is working. Alison loves letters and numbers and tries to write them and say them so it should entertain her.

I've also been getting all the stuff we already have organised and we have a lot. Emily is excited about getting back to work. She says she wants to learn about everything! The whole point of doing this in my mind, keep that alive in her. More specifically we're going to start the year off learning about "old fashion times" (pioneer days) bugs, and letter writing. Oh one of things in this box was a create your own stationery thing. What timing!

Plus we finally have all the Saxon Math stuff I wanted to get. I 've been buying it gradually so the exspense wasn't ridiculous all at one time. I went ahead and bought the kit even though it was exspensive and a lot of it you could get elsewhere and or improvise. I look at it this way. Actually getting around to finding it or creating by the time I need it ,well not likely. Also it's good through 3rd. grade then Alison can use it after that. So...even though it was $60. having 6 years use isn't bad.

So we'll be off to a good start with Emily. This is the first official year. In other words the first year I have to report to the school district, argghhh..Not too big of a deal here just have to notify them and then send a quartly report.